A part of me has died... inside, that is.
I've given up. I clearly stopped actually caring long ago,
but the half assed attempts still carried me through.

I'm just tired of being a maid, and being every body's
mother... Is it asking to much to have everyone clean up
after themselves, or to expect a little respect?
I guess so because nothing has changed.
Clearly, because I am being accused of doing nothing.
Ha, If I did nothing, It would be noticeable.
I do minor tidying every day or else, it would
be utterly disgusting at all times.
I don't bother with the major clean ups every day like
I used to, because it's pointless, things get fucked up
literally 10 minutes after I clean in the first place.

If I didn't do anything, there would be dirty laundry
everywhere, there would be garbage everywhere, pee on both
toilets, pet hair everywhere and so on.
I realize others have been doing a lot lately... but they
aren't that perfect either... it's usually their dirty
laundry in the bathroom and dirty dishes on my counter,
and pets' mess on my floors.
But I appreciate what they have been doing,
it does not go unnoticed, or unpraised.

But still...
I get treated like shit... in my own home.
I don't even think they realize the hurtful and short
things they say to me.
But, in order to maintain peace in the home,
I bite my tongue.. but for what?
To feel unwelcome in my own home..
Why should I have to walk on egg shells in MY house.

People seriously need to take a step back
and really look at the situation before
commenting on anything.
That's the problem with everyone in this world..
No one really thinks about anyone else...
No one walks a mile in any one else's shoes..
No one thinks before acting/speaking..
I'm not perfect and I've been guilty of many things
and all things I've ever ranted at...

which is why I've kept quiet through all of this...
But I'm at my breaking point.

New update:

So James and Stef moved in, yes!
They help out a lot, James hassels everyone into cleaning up there own messes and paying rent on time and what not, and Stef is always cleaning with me.
Chelsa moved out, everything was dandy and the day she left she just did a 180 and left on bad terms, Heather moved into her room the same day.
So now it's Me, Andrew, and Heather upstairs. Larry on the main floor. Craig, Stef and James are in the basement. Stef and James are moving on on January 20th though, they are going out West. Then I will be renting that room to a random until May 1st, when Sped comes home, then He'll be renting that room.

So me and Joey have been talking a little more lately.
After the wedding it was only twice, and always at Thursday dinner at Nona's.
But Woody and I have been hanging out pretty much every day for over a month [kid I know from high school that turns out to be Christina's cousin] So him and I have gone over there a few times to say Hi. Actually, I'm going over there shortly cause I got him a fridge and we have to go pick it up lol.

Umm.. so basically for the last two months I've been drunk or drinking heavily almost every day. It's fun... got wicked bombed Friday night lol.

Alcohol; The cause of & solution to, all of life's problems..

So this is an interesting one..
Joey & I talk again.
Even Anthony and him are talking.
A 2 year fight, ended, all because I got too drunk. lmao

So I got dragged to Joey's wedding by my dad
and grand mother, and Stacy made Anthony
go. So obviously Anthony and I stuck together
as much as possible. The reception, we were
no where near each other, but I had Andrew
with me, so it was alright.

Andrew and I defiantly took advantage of open bar.
I was drinking vodka like it was going out of style.
I ended up getting loaded and went over and hugged
Joey and that was how him & I reconciled.
Anthony came around that night too.

We've all talked since..
But we'll never be the same.
He's still not the same brother I once had.
& I highly doubt we'll even hang out / see each
other outside of family functions.
But at least we can all be civil.

Don't let yesterday take up too much of today...

She was gonna be an actress
She was gonna be a star
She was gonna shake her ass
On the hood of white snake’s car
<3

Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?

Where have I been?
Well I finally got what I wanted ...
I bought a house and I'm living in it, it's been about
two months. There's been some ups and downs with
roommates and such, nothing real out of the ordinary.

But guess what?
I still have no fucking idea where I want to be.
I hate my job. I don't belong in customer service.
Aside from that it's seasonal and not too much over
minimum wage, I can't live on it.
I have no career goals though, I never wanted to be
anything outside of the music field.
But we've already established that is not going to happen.
So I'm going to get another Joe job or two that pays more..
It'll get me by and then some. I may even like the job
or the people, but it's not where I am supposed to be.

If I could just figure out where I am supposed to be,
I wouldn't be freaking out so much.
I had one actual goal in my life, and I worked towards it.
And now I have it... now what?

So I thought I knew what I wanted.
I though I wanted a relationship, marriage and kids.
I made a plenty of fish cause all the other girls in
the house did and wanted me too.
I knew I wasn't into it though. I didn't reply
to anyone except this one guy.
Surprisingly I messaged him first.
We talked a lot, on the computer, the phone and text.
Then he wanted to meet...

He was a super nice guy, and fun to talk too.
But I found problems right off the bat.
I know things aren't supposed to be perfect but
these problems were ones that I don't want to deal with.
He wasn't okay with me being friends with mostly guys.
He'd always accuse me of being a partyer.
It was subtly and annoying though.
He basically just acted like because he was 4 years
older he knew so much more.

So I never met up with him.
He told me to text him when I woke up the day we were
supposed to hang out. So by 2pm that day he text me
and said " are you still sleeping" I said
"No, I haven't even slept yet" He replied with
"Are you on drugs? Do you even care about our date?"
So I said" It's not that I don't care, I've been up all night,
I kicked out a roommate and we left it on bad terms, and
my van is miraculously not working now!"
And he just kept texting worrying about the date, and
not giving a shit about me freaking out about the things going
on in my life, and being snappy with me. So I just stopped
answering. He's tried to apologize twice since, but I just
don't care, so I never answered and it's been a week so I think
he's given up.

Like I have time for this anyways.
I barely see Britny and the guys lately.
Once I get a new job or two, I really won't have time.
I don't think I want a serious relationship right now anyways.
I know that I want kids later in life, and marriage before hand
would be nice as well. But I'm just spazzing out a little bit right now.

I think I figured it out now.
Because I have my house, I have to work.
I have to behave, I have to be responsible.
And having to do something is like a form of authority.
Something controlling me, commitment.
And we all know how well I deal with all those things.
I'll quote myself here.. "I have a good heart, and a bad attitude"

I'm not ready to grow up.
I am glad I have a house, but I am still a kid,
regardless of my age. I know the difference between
time for fun and time for work. But I have sacrificed a lot
in the last few years. I needed to do something stupid.
The other night, the guys and I were drinking recklessly at the
bar, and there was breaking into a car and what not.
Just good old stupid fun. It wasn't a random car though, it was
a friends friends, and we had to get something out of it.
But fun none-the-less. It was the first night I really smiled and
laughed in a long time. wtf is wrong with me. lol

Exactly a month has lapsed since my last post.
Basically, I love life.
I'm back where the good out weighs the bad,
so the bad doesn't even matter.
The end.