Don't let yesterday take up too much of today...

She was gonna be an actress
She was gonna be a star
She was gonna shake her ass
On the hood of white snake’s car
<3

Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?

Where have I been?
Well I finally got what I wanted ...
I bought a house and I'm living in it, it's been about
two months. There's been some ups and downs with
roommates and such, nothing real out of the ordinary.

But guess what?
I still have no fucking idea where I want to be.
I hate my job. I don't belong in customer service.
Aside from that it's seasonal and not too much over
minimum wage, I can't live on it.
I have no career goals though, I never wanted to be
anything outside of the music field.
But we've already established that is not going to happen.
So I'm going to get another Joe job or two that pays more..
It'll get me by and then some. I may even like the job
or the people, but it's not where I am supposed to be.

If I could just figure out where I am supposed to be,
I wouldn't be freaking out so much.
I had one actual goal in my life, and I worked towards it.
And now I have it... now what?

So I thought I knew what I wanted.
I though I wanted a relationship, marriage and kids.
I made a plenty of fish cause all the other girls in
the house did and wanted me too.
I knew I wasn't into it though. I didn't reply
to anyone except this one guy.
Surprisingly I messaged him first.
We talked a lot, on the computer, the phone and text.
Then he wanted to meet...

He was a super nice guy, and fun to talk too.
But I found problems right off the bat.
I know things aren't supposed to be perfect but
these problems were ones that I don't want to deal with.
He wasn't okay with me being friends with mostly guys.
He'd always accuse me of being a partyer.
It was subtly and annoying though.
He basically just acted like because he was 4 years
older he knew so much more.

So I never met up with him.
He told me to text him when I woke up the day we were
supposed to hang out. So by 2pm that day he text me
and said " are you still sleeping" I said
"No, I haven't even slept yet" He replied with
"Are you on drugs? Do you even care about our date?"
So I said" It's not that I don't care, I've been up all night,
I kicked out a roommate and we left it on bad terms, and
my van is miraculously not working now!"
And he just kept texting worrying about the date, and
not giving a shit about me freaking out about the things going
on in my life, and being snappy with me. So I just stopped
answering. He's tried to apologize twice since, but I just
don't care, so I never answered and it's been a week so I think
he's given up.

Like I have time for this anyways.
I barely see Britny and the guys lately.
Once I get a new job or two, I really won't have time.
I don't think I want a serious relationship right now anyways.
I know that I want kids later in life, and marriage before hand
would be nice as well. But I'm just spazzing out a little bit right now.

I think I figured it out now.
Because I have my house, I have to work.
I have to behave, I have to be responsible.
And having to do something is like a form of authority.
Something controlling me, commitment.
And we all know how well I deal with all those things.
I'll quote myself here.. "I have a good heart, and a bad attitude"

I'm not ready to grow up.
I am glad I have a house, but I am still a kid,
regardless of my age. I know the difference between
time for fun and time for work. But I have sacrificed a lot
in the last few years. I needed to do something stupid.
The other night, the guys and I were drinking recklessly at the
bar, and there was breaking into a car and what not.
Just good old stupid fun. It wasn't a random car though, it was
a friends friends, and we had to get something out of it.
But fun none-the-less. It was the first night I really smiled and
laughed in a long time. wtf is wrong with me. lol