Putter's.

I'm so sick of being tired.
I'm so tired of being sick.
I'm so sick of being bored.
I'm so tired of isolating myself.
I'm so sick of people.
I'm so tired of being awake.
I'm so sick of things not going as planned.
I'm so tired of complaining.
I'm so sick that there is no change.
I'm so tired of work.
I'm so sick of my attitude.
I'm so tired & sick.

Fuck.

Nothing ever goes as planned..

So I gave up the house I was going to buy
so that I could have the house my grand parents
own, that I have been begging them for for years.

Well after that house failed the inspection 4 times,
and the original house already sold, I just rented
a new place with Jillian.

Tawnya and I aren't friends anymore..
I really don't want to get into it, just conflict
of interests you could say..

The place is nice, and Shady is welcome, and
has a huge yard to herself. But I'm still uneasy on
the whole situation. I'm sick of renting, and now
I have to wait until at least June to buy a house.

I really don't know how much longer I can hold
out with the way things are.
Nothing bad is really happening...
But I am just not happy with anything.
I'm so stressed it's unreal, but I can't even
deal with it. I'm beyond the point of even being
able to get angry or emotional.

I'm just here.
Frittering away this pointless existing
hoping for some wonderful opportunity to come
find me, because I am sick of looking.

Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock 'n' roll

It needs to be December 1st already.
I'm so bored, I need to go back to work.
I come home everyday from where ever
and sit here and go thru most of the 20,000
songs on my itunes. Before I know it my
foot is asleep and I have been listening
to music for 6 hours.

I have a ridiculous obsession with listening
to meatloaf, Boston, and Kansas right now.
Yesterday it was temptations, OLD Bon Jovi,
and Michael Jackson.

I put up my christmas tree today.
It's in my room for now, just until Shadie
gets used to the idea that she can't eat it.
If it was in the living room she'd eat it
while I'm sleeping. It's pretty, it's a
white pre-lit tree, with purple & silver
bulbs & icicles. And this really nice silver
ribbon wrapped around.

I think I am going to have to spend
Christmas in this apartment.
I was hoping I'd have my house by then,
there is a perfect spot in the new dinning
room for it. I might get it by then, but just
in case I put it up now.

My mom got into an argument with the
guy who lives downstairs today.
It was pretty funny, but then he threatened
her and I lost it.

I don't understand how I am losing things
lately. I have less stuff than ever now.
I sold everything worth selling & gave the
rest to good will. I have my bed, computer &
desk. Movies & shelf & tv.
For the life of me I can't find my lighters,
I am sick of using the toaster to light my
smokes.

Oh yeah, I'm a super quitter.
I quit quitting again, for the 8th time I
think.. I don't want to quit, that's the problem.
I have proved several times that I am
quite capable. I am just bored right now.
When I go back to work, I will quit again.
Well until I get my hands on a 40 of Jack Daniels.
Smoking & booze go hand in hand.

We were in my house the other day
painting, and there is no heat, and there's my
Nonna pounding back JD from a water bottle.
She didn't even make a face.. my mom instantly
turns to me and says "well, that's where you
get it from." I miss the days where I would
funnel a 40 of whiskey and wake up on my
washing machine... but somehow be completely
coherent the whole night.

I hate peeling oranges..

Spoke too soon.
There is so much snow on the
ground right now.
Very exciting, but at the same time
I am not all that thrilled.
It'll be my first winter driving
all by myself.

Apparently the roads are ice
right now. Looks like I am
not driving anywhere this winter
unless 100% necessary.
That fucking car has had enough
shit already.

2 more months and I can
buy my magnum.
But I doubt I will take the chance
of driving it in the winter.
That car cost more than my
down payment on the house !

I never understood why
people bought expensive cars,
or expensive stuff in general.
But I figure, my car gives me so much
hassle because it's old. So I may as well
buy a new one with warranty and all.
Plus I am in my car more than
anything so may as well be nice.

Plus I never spend money
on anything, especially on myself.
I hate stuff. So this is one thing I can
justify spending that much money on.
... well and my house. But that was
smart. I need somewhere safe to
park my car.

Winter wonderland

It's been on & off snowing since Friday.
It's not staying though.
I hate our winters. It's always a wet winter.
The kind where you always get sick,
because it's slushy and nasty.

I miss living up north sometimes.
They have that dry cold.
It's always 40 below or more,
but it's dry, I never got sick up there.
& the snow hills were huge.
I could make forts & snow balls.

I have to wait for ever for
packing snow here.
Yes, I am a kid at heart.

We were at Boston pizza Friday,
me and Andrew went out
in his truck for a smoke.
It was raining when we ran
to his truck. All the sudden
HUGE snow flakes were coming
down. We got ridiculously giddy,
and excited for beer-bogganing this
year.

I've been waking up around 6am
the last few days, just to look out
the window in the morning and
see the frost on the window & my car.
I love the frozen drops of dew on the grass
in the morning. Everything shines.

I took Shady out for a walk this morning.
It was the first time shes seen snow.
She was pretty excited. I can't wait to
see her in an actual snow fall.

Marry Me, stay the same, lie to me & try to say you never will..

Serious pet peeve for marriage.
No one believes in it anymore.
Everyone is getting married & shortly after
they are getting divorced. Or just being
unfaithful.

I don't know why this requires a blog,
but maybe because every time
I turn around there's a new wedding
invitation or baby shower or divorce.

I just don't understand why people get married
anymore. It's not what it used to be.
Marriage is supposed to be when two people
love each other unconditionally.
They stand up in front of God & all their friends
and family and take a vow to love and Cherish
and be faithful to that person until the day they die.
I don't think people understand the real
concept of it anymore.
I don't believe most people even know
the real meaning of love anymore
to be honest.

That's why I find dating to be such a trivial and
annoying task. I have no interest in dating because
people aren't genuine. People lie & are unfaithful.
I'm not scared to get hurt.. I've become such
an asshole that I highly doubt it's possible to
hurt me emotionally anymore. I have never been
hurt by a relationship before. People just become
stupid and I give the old heave hoe & move on.

Not that I am actually against it,
what ever happens happens, but I am not
looking. But I have very little faith in a genuine
person coming my way. I have very little faith
in a genuine person even existing.

I know nobody is perfect,
& neither am I but I'd like to think I am a good
person. Even though I like to say I am an
asshole, I am a good person.
I contradict myself a lot & people take
me too seriously.

But really I don't lie, I don't hold back.
I don't steal, I don't cheat, I don't intentionally
hurt anyone. I give way too many chances.
I have morals & self respect coming out the ass.
I take in strays, my life goal is to have a animal
shelter.. Sure I sin, but I am not a bad person.

I drink like a fish,
smoke dope like I was Marley,
swear like a sailor,
tattoo & pierce like crazy.

But I am the most honest, loyal & reliable
person that my friends have ever met.
This is me going off in a little tangent as
usual but it all ties together in some way.

I just wish this world would get it's morals back.

& when a woman says that's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off - Homer J Simpson

I don't like living here.
I'm still in the apartment until January.
I live in a 3 1/2 bedroom upper apartment.
Supposed to be 2 1/2, but I totally scored the living
room as my room because it's huge and has a door
instead of being open concept. We made the
dinning room into the living room, cause
we never dine.

The place is nice, it's big enough for me and Tawn
& the yard is HUGE, but the people under us are jerks.
We share a laundry room, and they take our stuff
out before it's done. The drive way can fit three cars,
and one off to the side. The one off to the side is mine.
But their friends park in it. But when my mom visits
and parks in there spot they flip. They hate my dog
for no reason, but they have a really annoying one.

Apartments aren't fair to dogs anyways.
So that's one of those annoying little "upsides" to shit.
All the bullshit with them, and having a dog pushed
me into buying a house at 19 years old.
I always talked about it, but I never would have
gone through with it otherwise.
I love Shady too much to let her be cooped up all
the time, and I could never part with her,
plus one of these days my lovely Italian temper
is going to give them something to complain about.

I think I am going to try out for Canadian Idol this
year for shits & giggles.
No modesty what so ever .. but I highly doubt I am
going to make it, so that is why this information stays here.
I just keep wondering if I would have made it in
2005 when my teacher tried to send me and I
wouldn't go..

Us cavalier kids..

I hate all these little family channel kids.
They all [think] they're singers now.. & they have little videos in between my cartoons. Cartoons suck now.
I miss Bobby's world, he's the most brilliant toddler ever. I bought a DVD off ebay a while ago with a few episodes on it, but I can't find any other ones.

I miss one Saturday morning.. and all the good cartoons from when I was a kid.
Bugs n tweety is back on, but they edit it now.

I am dying for some fluffinutter.
Marshmallows in a sandwich spread, it's breath taking.
It's right up there with nutella.
I had a nutella sandwich at Nonna's the other day, pretty much made my night.

I don't know what's with me lately.
I have no interest in anything.
I'm always bored, but when my phone rings I hit the silent button.
I'm not depressed, I'm not mad at anyone, I'm in a rut .. I think.

This just isn't where I thought I'd be right now.
I'm happy usually. I have no reason for complaint.
But I guess being content isn't what I want to be.. get it?
Probably not.. no one really gets anything. Everyone always says
they understand, or "I know how you feel" but I don't think
they really do. I'm not complex or deep by any means ... I just
contradict myself a lot. People take me too seriously.
I have a bad case of word vomit. I just say what comes to mind when it comes to mind.
But hey, biting the tongue is for the dishonest anyways.

I don't even know what I am rambling on about to be honest.
I just wanna jam. I hate that word.
I really wish I could have gone to a Sublime show..
but I was 7 when Bradley died, So that was just not happening.
I love sublime.

Speaking of which..
I started my Sublime sleeve.
I started it with everything under the sun, I'm working it into the
bad fish one I got last year.

I want some milk.

Paradox Of Age

We have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways but narrower viewpoints; we spend more but have less; we buy more but enjoy it less; we have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, yet less time; we have more degrees but less sense; more knowledge but less judgment; more experts, yet more problems; we have more gadgets but less satisfaction; more medicine, yet less wellness; we take more vitamins but see fewer results. We drink too much; smoke too much; spend too recklessly; laugh too little; drive too fast; get too angry quickly; stay up too late; get up too tired; read too seldom; watch TV too much and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values; we fly in faster planes to arrive there quicker, to do less and return sooner; we sign more contracts only to realize fewer profits; we talk too much; love too seldom and lie too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice; we write more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less; we make faster planes, but longer lines; we learned to rush, but not to wait; we have more weapons, but less peace; higher incomes, but lower morals; more parties, but less fun; more food, but less appeasement; more acquaintances, but fewer friends; more effort, but less success. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; drive smaller cars that have bigger problems; build larger factories that produce less. We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, but short character; steep in profits, but shallow relationships. These are times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure and less fun; higher postage, but slower mail; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorces; these are times of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, cartridge living, thow-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies and pills that do everything from cheer, to prevent, quiet or kill. It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stock room.
Indeed, these are the times!

- Dr. Bob Moorehead

My heart burns there too..

I figured out how to get into my livejournal.
The last time I wrote in it was exactly 13 months ago.
My layout is messed up now.. no more Avenged
sevenfold pictures, and I can't figure out how to
change stuff on there, it's been so long.
So I guess I am staying here.. no HTML.

I read over my last couple entries of my livejournal
and I couldn't stop laughing at how ridiculous
I was. My last entry was 13 months ago to the day
And guess what it was about.. MUSIC.

I guess it doesn't matter how many years
pass, I am never going to get over it.
Music is the only thing I care about, the only thing
I am good at. Most days I am kicking myself
for no going to Canadian idol that year,
But who knows how far I would have gotten
anyways.. but that's the biggest problem.
The "what if" all well.. everything happens for a reason.

The light of my life

So I have had her for quite some time now.
Hardly anyone has met my little baby,
since I have fallen off the face of the earth...
She's gotten pretty big. My Shadie Bum.

Even though I have had many dogs growing
up.. this is different. None of them have been
just mine. So finally I get to do it all by myself.

She's 10 months old now.
Lab /boxer mix
She's my little rescue.

& She loves her big brother Pierre, hes not
as receptive, But they are coming along..
Everybody knows Mr. Pee, my little cross eyed kitty.
He turned 6 last month, still as crazy as ever.

There is nothing like waking up to 2
furry little buddies sleeping in each of your
pits.

Right now... I've got everything I need.

Well I guess this is growing up..

Well I lost the username & password for my livejournal,
so I figured I'd make a new one on here..
Not that I used my live journal in the last year or so..
But it's sad that I won't be able to read 5 years of my past.
There was some funny stuff in there.

I can remember a lot of it of the top of my head.
I am in the mood to look back on things.
I kind of had a little break down last night..
everything bad that could possibly happen ... happened.
I ended up going to the Hedley show in saint Catharines though..
I am so glad I did it cheered me up.

I've been thinking a lot about the changes I have
made in the last year, the last few years actually, but mostly
this year. This time last year, I was afraid of driving, had no way
to work, refused to keep a job because of my bad attitude towards
authority. I was drinking every day for the sake of drinking ..
and well you all know how I was.

I can't believe now..
I am 19 years old. I got my license, bought a car,
kept a job for a year, became a supervisor, actually
like going to work. Smartened up. I had my own apartment,
now my own house. My mom & I actually get along now,
there is actually some logic in this brain now..
and hey I even got a dog.

So regardless of all the shit that happened yesterday ..
I'm still alive, I'm healthy, I still have the people I care about,
and I have come along way.. & I have a lot more than
most people my age. I really miss old blink-182.