Some search, never finding a way...

It's funny, I've been in so many places without ever
leaving Ontario. Barely even leaving this city in general.
So many people have come and gone, I can barely
even keep track. It's kind of sad, that people that
once meant the world to me, are now strangers.

It's life. It's growing up.
Everyone drifts and moves on and makes there own way.
It's just crazy, I never thought I'd lose everyone,
especially all at once. It's a hard pill to swallow.

I'm always saying that there is a silver lining to everything.
I am always harping about not dwelling,
and saying "that's life."
Believe me, I believe all of that, but sometime it's
easier said than done.
Days like today, it's hard to live by that.

I just wonder, when is my life going to go in
the right direction. I've grown up, separated from
people and things that were holding me back.
Fight for what I want, constantly try to find ways
to better myself and the situation, and I'm still in
the same spot.

However, I still have no career goals.
I was going to be an exterminator, and I am still
thinking about it, but something is not allowing me
to leave the hotel. I don't really know why...
Comfort maybe? I went in there knowing half the
employees, and now know them all.
We are a lovely click.
I think if I break away and go for it, I'll be happy,
But again, is that really where I want to be?

No, but it will be a better opportunity.
The hotel is barely part time, shit pay, and I hate
the job itself. What's my deal?

I just want to sing!
That's the one thing, that regardless of my mood,
I'm always doing it. Always.
Music fuels me.

I have little to no interest in anyone anymore.
We are all in different places, and I feel like
I'm standing still when with them.
But then I sit at home waiting around for the 2
people I do care about to be available, and go
nuts from boredom.

I need to sell this house.
Most of my stress is in these walls.
Once it sells, I'll be staying in my brothers basement,
until I find something suitable to buy.
That will aid in my anxiety for sure.
There will always be someone to hang out with
and always something to do, and I won't be driving
much anymore, considering that's pretty
much the only place I go.

I hope it sells and I don't lose anything.
The 'condition' of home inspection scares me, ugh.

I need to distance myself from my family,
not my brothers or my dads side.
I don't want to miss out on time with my grand-
parents and little cousins, but I cannot take this
anymore. They get in everyone's business and judge
about everything. They act like children.
If I make a decision they don't like, they
actually get mad at me, and go as far as giving
me attitude or the silent treatment.
We are talking about adults here, adults
who have children. This is what I'm dealing with.
I'm stressed.

Check list to partial stress-free living

• 2nd, possibly 3rd job
• finish my exterminator license
• obtain full G
• Sell house for no less than $107,000
• Get back into healthy life style
• properly working vehicle
• distancing myself from any negativity including family
• proper sleeping habits! *

Back to square one..

I feel like my life has been one giant game
of snakes and ladders, I'd really like to know
when I am going to roll on to that big ladder.

My first blog on here was November 2008,
Over 2 years later and I'm still in the same spot.
It's just a back & forth with me.
Still no happy medium

Well it's been a while..

So my frequent Zombie nightmares...
The classic one that was oh so unforgettable, that I had back
in grade 12. The one where me and my best friends at the
time (Andrew, Nicole, Bobby, & Adam) We all linked arms
and running to find an antidote because my brother had gotten
scratched by a zombie and we had very little time to find it and
cure him before he turned. So we're all running and then all of the
sudden, I'm by myself, looking around for my friends.
I end up in a mall, and there was a living room set up in some
furniture store, Bobby was sitting there watching tv, so I sat
beside him and we just rested and my head was on his shoulder
then after a while, I heard a "RAWRRRR." I looked to my
right and he was a zombie.

So needless to say, I ran away.
I then met up with Andrew, he told me he had lost
Nicole & Adam.. Meaning they were done for as well.
I can't recall if we actually found the antidote or not,
but we did go back to the truck where my brother was,
and he was a zombie, so either way it was too late,
I had lost him too.

It was probably one of the most frightening dreams
I have ever had, aside from it mainly starring Zombies,
I lost everyone important to me except Andrew.
So I had the dream analyzed, checked all the sites
online and whatnot and even had Lia do her smartypants
physiology stuff with it.

Every answer was pretty much the same.
The dream meant I am afraid of change and losing people
(duh, who didn't already know that about me?)
But the zombie part also means that there was some
obstacle in my life, and the fact that I always dream
of zombie attacks means that I have not yet over come it.

I still haven't figured out what the obstacle is ...
I would assume it's the "what am I doing with my life" thing,
cause that's been the only thing to bother me, and it's been
bothering me since15 years old ha ha.

But anyways, the dream ended up being true,
metaphorically speaking. I lost everyone in that
dream except Andrew. Him and I lost touch with our
best friends for one reason or another, and my brother
and I had that 2 year feud. And a part of that dream
Andrew was MIA, and that happened too.

So, I've had a few nightmares a week about zombies
as long as I can remember, then the other day, I had
a dream where I wasn't running. I was in a dollar
store and I was making a weapon out of anything and
everything and I was attacking, just going completely
buck on them. (which makes me laugh 'cause I always
say although blades don't need reloading, I'd have a gun in
a zombie attack 'cause I'm too scared to get close enough
for a blade to work.) But I ended up waking up that morning,
and questioning that dream all day. I attacked them?
I ATTACKED THEM! ...weird. Normally I'm running
and hiding, even in real life when awake, I'm scared of them.
I actually feel scared in my dreams... not that time.

So last night,
I have this dream and a bunch of us are hunting
them and attacking them. All of the sudden, I get
scratched, and I'm like, fuck it, not deep enough, I'm
strong, I'm okay. Then I get scratched again... again,
I'm not scared or upset that I'm going to turn into a
zombie or anything. I ended up waking up before
anything could come of it, but what does that mean?