Part 2

... & as much as I hate to admit it.
I am human. I have feelings, I am insecure sometimes.
I am self conscious sometimes, things do hurt.
I have emotions. I am not always a rock.
I am not a big tough asshole as I'd like to portray.

I'm not always bullet proof.

I don't owe you anything, to hell with I'm sorry BOMBS AWAY!

This photo has no
relevance to anything,
I just thought it was pretty.

I slept over my little cousins
house Saturday night, his
parents were away for the
weekend and a bunch of his
friends slept over too.



I'd have to say, it was the most fun
I have had in a long time.
It's weird because they are all 16.
I really enjoy hanging out with my cousin because we are retarded
together and come up with the same stupid ideas. I thought maybe
I was afraid of growing up and that's why I enjoy hanging out
with him so much, but actually, I am not afraid of growing up.
Sure, I am grossed out about getting old, but I'm not afraid of
responsibility, and I don't want to avoid it.

I just like having fun. I like being an idiot, I like exploding things, playing with fire, and fire extinguishers. But at the same time, I have a good job that I enjoy, I have dependents; Shadie & Pierre. I almost bought a house, and I am still in the market for buying one, and I have all the means to do so, once I find one fitting.

I still have not really figured out what is wrong with me lately. I think it's a safe bet to say, it's because, right now, I am not where the 15 year old me thought I would be by now.
I am still a lot farther then most people my age, but the point is, when I was 15 , I didn't dream of a 9-5 job and a house and dog. I dreamed of being on the road, playing shows, screaming fans, city lights. I know, what 15 year old didn't? But I have the means to do it, and it's in my blood. It's more than a dream , it's what I am supposed to do. Although I am content with where I am right now, I will never really be all that ecstatic until my 15 year old dream comes true.

Not to say that I am unhappy now, I don't do much during the work season because I am working about 60 hours a week. But like I said, I do enjoy my job. It's not demanding, but it's busy enough that the time goes by fast, I enjoy the people I work with and we have good talks and laughs. Outside of the work season, I have a lot more home time, nothing much to do in this city, especially if you are poor. Another reason why I enjoy hanging out with my cousin, we make our own fun!

This blog is everywhere eh? HA.
Well while we are going all over the map..
Andrew & I don't hang out much anymore. Different crowds.
I don't like his friends, I don't like the stuff they are into so I don't
like being around them. Him and I are good though, we just aren't
together every waking hour like we used to be. I haven't seen him
in probably a month and a half, and we've only talked twice since too.

I find lately I really have no interest in anyone.
Back in high school, when a friend and I would drift, it was the end
of the fucking world. Now, I think I am initiating it, not
with everyone.. I just don't answer my phone or texts because
I have been in quite the rut lately. I don' know how to put it,
I just have no interest in some people.. People that were once
everything to me.. My phone rings or i get a text and i don't
answer it, yet I'm bored out of my face and want to go do something.

Most of the time it's because I find that my friends have changed.
I feel I have no one to talk to or confide in anymore people
don't listen anymore. They interrupt a lot and talk about guys or
something irrelevant. Not to say what I am talking about is more
important than what they have to say.. Just.. when I am upset
and need someone to talk to, I want someone who is
going to listen and help me... not to talk about the guy they like or what ever.
It's not often that I vent, or do the whole "feelings" thing,
so when I do, pay attention!

Also because I am self conscious now, I am upset and angry that
I let myself gain so much weight again. I was always very over
weight, and over the years I have yo yo'd a lot.
But this summer I got down pretty low, the lowest I have been
my whole life. I was happy and getting complements from
everyone. I have put most of it back on again. I am not as big
as I was but I am still unhappy about it. I compare myself to
people around me, so I never want to go out. I never want to
get dressed. Especially when I go out with Jill. She's tiny and
pretty and everyone always stares at her no matter what
she's wearing. Even when shes in her work grubby's

Also because I don't like doing the club scene. Some bars I am okay with, like blue lagoon and places with a good live band. But I hate Dragon fly and techno clubs and shit. That's never been my scene. Even when I was happy with the way I looked I never like dressing up. I don't even like hanging out with girls, because I don't like gossiping and talking about boys and mindless jargon. I like chilling in basements with the boys and having some beers and being dumb.

I haven't really vented in for ever, honestly, years.
I try to write in here all the time and I have all the thoughts in my head but I can't properly get them out. I have about 7 unfinished, unposted blogs on here because I can't get anything out properly or I don't like how I write things so I delete them... but this time, I am going to write everything that comes to mind and hope that some one can understand and analyze them for me.

I over analyze everything but still never get anywhere.
I need help. But like I said, I have no one to talk to anymore.
The only person I spend a lot of time with is my cousin
Micheal but he's young, and I don't want to bombard him
with my problems. The problem with Andrew is that he has
so many problems and I always help him, and one day he said
"you're my rock, the fact that you are so together and so strong,
helps me, and if you weren't so strong, I'd have nothing"
So I am afraid to vent to him and admit that, I am NOT together,
I am very broken up and scattered.
And everyone else, I have drifted from, or they just don't listen.

The worst feeling ever is when you have so many people
around you, and no one to talk to. People that care about you,
yet know nothing about you. Acting like everything is okay
and accomplished when you are so down and out.

Well this is the first time I am going to admit..
I am NOT okay.
I am a little bit scared.
I've had no income since October & I don't go
back to work until 3rd week of March.
I still forget important things, like my car
insurance, 3x, after 3x they cut you off, so
I might not have car insurance right now
(I find out Wednesday)
I am NOT happy with myself or the way I look.
I am not happy that I smoke again.
I need anger management, my poor phone
is shattered from my anger issues, and
that little blow up cost me well over $100.

Most of the time I don't think about it, so it doesn't bother me often, but when I do remember and I do think about it, I am VERY upset that my brother and I don't talk anymore. And no matter what happens, even if we did speak again, he wouldn't be the same Joey, so I've lost my brother regardless and I'm not happy about it. And I fear the shit hes getting himself into and I feel partly reasonable for it, because no he is fighting to prove us all wrong... and getting himself in deeper. Also, I am very upset that I only see my dad once a year, if that.

I always had a short temper, but I never
lost it so much before. There has to be some deeper reason why now.

I am pissed that all my life I have dropped everything for someone else. I go out of my way for people, every job I have ever had, I've taken people's shifts, comes in short notice. Worked every day straight for weeks and months for other people with no complaints. I babysit short notice, cancel plans so I can babysit or work. Make sure everyone has a memorable birthday. Stay up to ridiculous hours just to talk when someone needed to talk or needed help. Spent all my money on buses and cabs to get to my friends when they need something.

And yet, I don't get the same in return. Every birthday since I was 16 has been terrible. 16th I stayed at Stef's because everyone forgot and I was fighting with my parents, 17th everyone was fighting with each other, I had to pick people up, I had to pay for people, I get nothing (which isn't a big deal cause I hate stuff, but like at least don't fight @ my party!) people leave to go hang with their bf. my 18th was the same. my 19th, my best friend and his friend were so drugged up the fell asleep at the bar and we had to go home by like 10 because of them, everyone else forgot, my dad lives up north, my brother and I don't talk.

And when I need a day off work, no one will cover my shift, yet I have for them 100000x.
And I have gathered so much brownie points for everything, yet no one helps me out.

Then my uncle..
I have always dropped everything to babysit his devil child or house sit or whatever.
And instead of getting paid for babysitting I asked him to cut my hair (cause hes a hair dresser) and it's been months... i frequently ask. And he never has time, same with Jill. And I have always dropped everything for that girl. I would drive to grismby every weekend to bring her to the falls so she didn't have to get a cab that far! and one time we went to a bar and she said she'd be right back and 2 hours later she was back with a ton of people and said they were people she hadn't seen in forever and danced off like it was no big deal. I just picked you up from grimsby so you could ditch me for hours! yes it is a big deal!! She is a very self centered person and it bothers me, she is NOTORIOUS for being a "non-listener" All she talks about is my uncle... constantly. I always listen and help her with everything, then the one time I try to vent cause I am losing my shit and we lived together... she's changing the subject back to how she hopes they get back together. She always did it! I fucking hate that! She always said I was her best friend and the only person she could talk to... but my uncles show was more important on my bday (yet she seen his band 2x a week every week) she never listened to me, she never thanked or even tried to compensate for me driving to get her all the time.. she lies a lot. very much like my issues with pretty much everyone I used to be best friends with.

So I sit here all the time and think about past
friends and problems. Is it my fault?
Do I expect to much of people?
Do I hold grudges? Am I a bad friend?
Am I the reason we aren't friends anymore?

I must fucking be, because look how many I went through...
That's the reason why I always say I hate people.
(I'm always taken too seriously on that)
I don't hate everyone. But most people I do.
Because everyone so far has been the same..
There is the select few that don't fall under that category,
but there are still problems beyond our control.

I'm sick of things not going as planned.
I know it happens to everyone but everything
happens to me at once.
When it rains it pours, and I am losing my marbles.

Yes again for the 80 time I have said this I have it pretty good.
I am doing better than a lot of people, especially those my age, but this isn't where I wanted to be, and that's what it boils down to. If I don't go anywhere with my music I can still live a happy life... but occasionally I am still going to be bothered by it. Because like most other people I am sick of working my ass off, 60 hours a week for months straight to pay bills and rent and soon to be mortgage.. I'm sick of things not coming easy. I know that's life, but I see so many people, some of which in my family, get everything handed to them... and I know I am who I am because of my up bringing and I wouldn't change anything that has happened thus far but I would like a break. I know I am always going to have to work for something because that is life.. but I'd like to be working towards something FOR me, something that is going to benefit me, get me ahead, make me happy, make me the decent money, make my dreams come true.

So far it's been..
Work your ass off to make someone else's business work & make their dreams come true, get them the big money, while you work & get min. wage, they get the the big house,
while you struggle to find an apartment that allows pets. They get everything.
And you get nothing but shift after meaningless shift.

I'm not greedy. I only want what I need. I want to do music because it is all that I have ever been good at and all I have ever wanted to do. It has always and will always make me happy. I already said I'd be happy just playing in bars on weekends, it's not the money. I just want to be able to live off it, and it's be nice if it was my only job so I could have time to do it. I don't want a mansion or 10 cars. I just want to live comfortably, and enjoy what I am doing every day, and like getting up in the morning.

Many people enjoy their jobs and enjoy what they do, many people have meaningful jobs and make a difference. How many people can say they are living their dream every day?

Walking contradiction

I've completely fallen off the face of the earth,

I don't even know where I am.

I wake up early, to do nothing.

I'm bored but I never answer my phone.

I want to do something but i constantly skip out on plans.

I'm in a rut but I can't understand why.
Nothing is really that bad ...

I'm still better off than most people.

What the fuck is my problem?

This just isn't where I wanted to be..

But where do I even want to be anymore?