Some search, never finding a way...

It's funny, I've been in so many places without ever
leaving Ontario. Barely even leaving this city in general.
So many people have come and gone, I can barely
even keep track. It's kind of sad, that people that
once meant the world to me, are now strangers.

It's life. It's growing up.
Everyone drifts and moves on and makes there own way.
It's just crazy, I never thought I'd lose everyone,
especially all at once. It's a hard pill to swallow.

I'm always saying that there is a silver lining to everything.
I am always harping about not dwelling,
and saying "that's life."
Believe me, I believe all of that, but sometime it's
easier said than done.
Days like today, it's hard to live by that.

I just wonder, when is my life going to go in
the right direction. I've grown up, separated from
people and things that were holding me back.
Fight for what I want, constantly try to find ways
to better myself and the situation, and I'm still in
the same spot.

However, I still have no career goals.
I was going to be an exterminator, and I am still
thinking about it, but something is not allowing me
to leave the hotel. I don't really know why...
Comfort maybe? I went in there knowing half the
employees, and now know them all.
We are a lovely click.
I think if I break away and go for it, I'll be happy,
But again, is that really where I want to be?

No, but it will be a better opportunity.
The hotel is barely part time, shit pay, and I hate
the job itself. What's my deal?

I just want to sing!
That's the one thing, that regardless of my mood,
I'm always doing it. Always.
Music fuels me.

I have little to no interest in anyone anymore.
We are all in different places, and I feel like
I'm standing still when with them.
But then I sit at home waiting around for the 2
people I do care about to be available, and go
nuts from boredom.

I need to sell this house.
Most of my stress is in these walls.
Once it sells, I'll be staying in my brothers basement,
until I find something suitable to buy.
That will aid in my anxiety for sure.
There will always be someone to hang out with
and always something to do, and I won't be driving
much anymore, considering that's pretty
much the only place I go.

I hope it sells and I don't lose anything.
The 'condition' of home inspection scares me, ugh.

I need to distance myself from my family,
not my brothers or my dads side.
I don't want to miss out on time with my grand-
parents and little cousins, but I cannot take this
anymore. They get in everyone's business and judge
about everything. They act like children.
If I make a decision they don't like, they
actually get mad at me, and go as far as giving
me attitude or the silent treatment.
We are talking about adults here, adults
who have children. This is what I'm dealing with.
I'm stressed.

Check list to partial stress-free living

• 2nd, possibly 3rd job
• finish my exterminator license
• obtain full G
• Sell house for no less than $107,000
• Get back into healthy life style
• properly working vehicle
• distancing myself from any negativity including family
• proper sleeping habits! *

Back to square one..

I feel like my life has been one giant game
of snakes and ladders, I'd really like to know
when I am going to roll on to that big ladder.

My first blog on here was November 2008,
Over 2 years later and I'm still in the same spot.
It's just a back & forth with me.
Still no happy medium

Well it's been a while..

So my frequent Zombie nightmares...
The classic one that was oh so unforgettable, that I had back
in grade 12. The one where me and my best friends at the
time (Andrew, Nicole, Bobby, & Adam) We all linked arms
and running to find an antidote because my brother had gotten
scratched by a zombie and we had very little time to find it and
cure him before he turned. So we're all running and then all of the
sudden, I'm by myself, looking around for my friends.
I end up in a mall, and there was a living room set up in some
furniture store, Bobby was sitting there watching tv, so I sat
beside him and we just rested and my head was on his shoulder
then after a while, I heard a "RAWRRRR." I looked to my
right and he was a zombie.

So needless to say, I ran away.
I then met up with Andrew, he told me he had lost
Nicole & Adam.. Meaning they were done for as well.
I can't recall if we actually found the antidote or not,
but we did go back to the truck where my brother was,
and he was a zombie, so either way it was too late,
I had lost him too.

It was probably one of the most frightening dreams
I have ever had, aside from it mainly starring Zombies,
I lost everyone important to me except Andrew.
So I had the dream analyzed, checked all the sites
online and whatnot and even had Lia do her smartypants
physiology stuff with it.

Every answer was pretty much the same.
The dream meant I am afraid of change and losing people
(duh, who didn't already know that about me?)
But the zombie part also means that there was some
obstacle in my life, and the fact that I always dream
of zombie attacks means that I have not yet over come it.

I still haven't figured out what the obstacle is ...
I would assume it's the "what am I doing with my life" thing,
cause that's been the only thing to bother me, and it's been
bothering me since15 years old ha ha.

But anyways, the dream ended up being true,
metaphorically speaking. I lost everyone in that
dream except Andrew. Him and I lost touch with our
best friends for one reason or another, and my brother
and I had that 2 year feud. And a part of that dream
Andrew was MIA, and that happened too.

So, I've had a few nightmares a week about zombies
as long as I can remember, then the other day, I had
a dream where I wasn't running. I was in a dollar
store and I was making a weapon out of anything and
everything and I was attacking, just going completely
buck on them. (which makes me laugh 'cause I always
say although blades don't need reloading, I'd have a gun in
a zombie attack 'cause I'm too scared to get close enough
for a blade to work.) But I ended up waking up that morning,
and questioning that dream all day. I attacked them?
I ATTACKED THEM! ...weird. Normally I'm running
and hiding, even in real life when awake, I'm scared of them.
I actually feel scared in my dreams... not that time.

So last night,
I have this dream and a bunch of us are hunting
them and attacking them. All of the sudden, I get
scratched, and I'm like, fuck it, not deep enough, I'm
strong, I'm okay. Then I get scratched again... again,
I'm not scared or upset that I'm going to turn into a
zombie or anything. I ended up waking up before
anything could come of it, but what does that mean?

A part of me has died... inside, that is.
I've given up. I clearly stopped actually caring long ago,
but the half assed attempts still carried me through.

I'm just tired of being a maid, and being every body's
mother... Is it asking to much to have everyone clean up
after themselves, or to expect a little respect?
I guess so because nothing has changed.
Clearly, because I am being accused of doing nothing.
Ha, If I did nothing, It would be noticeable.
I do minor tidying every day or else, it would
be utterly disgusting at all times.
I don't bother with the major clean ups every day like
I used to, because it's pointless, things get fucked up
literally 10 minutes after I clean in the first place.

If I didn't do anything, there would be dirty laundry
everywhere, there would be garbage everywhere, pee on both
toilets, pet hair everywhere and so on.
I realize others have been doing a lot lately... but they
aren't that perfect either... it's usually their dirty
laundry in the bathroom and dirty dishes on my counter,
and pets' mess on my floors.
But I appreciate what they have been doing,
it does not go unnoticed, or unpraised.

But still...
I get treated like shit... in my own home.
I don't even think they realize the hurtful and short
things they say to me.
But, in order to maintain peace in the home,
I bite my tongue.. but for what?
To feel unwelcome in my own home..
Why should I have to walk on egg shells in MY house.

People seriously need to take a step back
and really look at the situation before
commenting on anything.
That's the problem with everyone in this world..
No one really thinks about anyone else...
No one walks a mile in any one else's shoes..
No one thinks before acting/speaking..
I'm not perfect and I've been guilty of many things
and all things I've ever ranted at...

which is why I've kept quiet through all of this...
But I'm at my breaking point.

New update:

So James and Stef moved in, yes!
They help out a lot, James hassels everyone into cleaning up there own messes and paying rent on time and what not, and Stef is always cleaning with me.
Chelsa moved out, everything was dandy and the day she left she just did a 180 and left on bad terms, Heather moved into her room the same day.
So now it's Me, Andrew, and Heather upstairs. Larry on the main floor. Craig, Stef and James are in the basement. Stef and James are moving on on January 20th though, they are going out West. Then I will be renting that room to a random until May 1st, when Sped comes home, then He'll be renting that room.

So me and Joey have been talking a little more lately.
After the wedding it was only twice, and always at Thursday dinner at Nona's.
But Woody and I have been hanging out pretty much every day for over a month [kid I know from high school that turns out to be Christina's cousin] So him and I have gone over there a few times to say Hi. Actually, I'm going over there shortly cause I got him a fridge and we have to go pick it up lol.

Umm.. so basically for the last two months I've been drunk or drinking heavily almost every day. It's fun... got wicked bombed Friday night lol.

Alcohol; The cause of & solution to, all of life's problems..

So this is an interesting one..
Joey & I talk again.
Even Anthony and him are talking.
A 2 year fight, ended, all because I got too drunk. lmao

So I got dragged to Joey's wedding by my dad
and grand mother, and Stacy made Anthony
go. So obviously Anthony and I stuck together
as much as possible. The reception, we were
no where near each other, but I had Andrew
with me, so it was alright.

Andrew and I defiantly took advantage of open bar.
I was drinking vodka like it was going out of style.
I ended up getting loaded and went over and hugged
Joey and that was how him & I reconciled.
Anthony came around that night too.

We've all talked since..
But we'll never be the same.
He's still not the same brother I once had.
& I highly doubt we'll even hang out / see each
other outside of family functions.
But at least we can all be civil.

Don't let yesterday take up too much of today...