If it doesn't kill you, it's sure to leave a horrible scar

I've tried to write a new blog a few times over the last month,
and when I sit down, I can't do it, there's nothing there.
But when it comes time to go to sleep & the people are
gone, the phone is on the hook, the lights are off, and I'm
laying here trying to sleep.. It all comes back.

I don't know if it's that I don't know where to start,
or if I am just done with complaining, because
I know, no matter what I have to complain about
there is always someone worse off than me.
I am very thankful for where I am, and for what I have,
but everyone needs to complain.

I wish I could right now.
I guess this is considered complaining,
but I really need to vent, but I can't.

Putter's.

I'm so sick of being tired.
I'm so tired of being sick.
I'm so sick of being bored.
I'm so tired of isolating myself.
I'm so sick of people.
I'm so tired of being awake.
I'm so sick of things not going as planned.
I'm so tired of complaining.
I'm so sick that there is no change.
I'm so tired of work.
I'm so sick of my attitude.
I'm so tired & sick.

Fuck.

Nothing ever goes as planned..

So I gave up the house I was going to buy
so that I could have the house my grand parents
own, that I have been begging them for for years.

Well after that house failed the inspection 4 times,
and the original house already sold, I just rented
a new place with Jillian.

Tawnya and I aren't friends anymore..
I really don't want to get into it, just conflict
of interests you could say..

The place is nice, and Shady is welcome, and
has a huge yard to herself. But I'm still uneasy on
the whole situation. I'm sick of renting, and now
I have to wait until at least June to buy a house.

I really don't know how much longer I can hold
out with the way things are.
Nothing bad is really happening...
But I am just not happy with anything.
I'm so stressed it's unreal, but I can't even
deal with it. I'm beyond the point of even being
able to get angry or emotional.

I'm just here.
Frittering away this pointless existing
hoping for some wonderful opportunity to come
find me, because I am sick of looking.

Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock 'n' roll

It needs to be December 1st already.
I'm so bored, I need to go back to work.
I come home everyday from where ever
and sit here and go thru most of the 20,000
songs on my itunes. Before I know it my
foot is asleep and I have been listening
to music for 6 hours.

I have a ridiculous obsession with listening
to meatloaf, Boston, and Kansas right now.
Yesterday it was temptations, OLD Bon Jovi,
and Michael Jackson.

I put up my christmas tree today.
It's in my room for now, just until Shadie
gets used to the idea that she can't eat it.
If it was in the living room she'd eat it
while I'm sleeping. It's pretty, it's a
white pre-lit tree, with purple & silver
bulbs & icicles. And this really nice silver
ribbon wrapped around.

I think I am going to have to spend
Christmas in this apartment.
I was hoping I'd have my house by then,
there is a perfect spot in the new dinning
room for it. I might get it by then, but just
in case I put it up now.

My mom got into an argument with the
guy who lives downstairs today.
It was pretty funny, but then he threatened
her and I lost it.

I don't understand how I am losing things
lately. I have less stuff than ever now.
I sold everything worth selling & gave the
rest to good will. I have my bed, computer &
desk. Movies & shelf & tv.
For the life of me I can't find my lighters,
I am sick of using the toaster to light my
smokes.

Oh yeah, I'm a super quitter.
I quit quitting again, for the 8th time I
think.. I don't want to quit, that's the problem.
I have proved several times that I am
quite capable. I am just bored right now.
When I go back to work, I will quit again.
Well until I get my hands on a 40 of Jack Daniels.
Smoking & booze go hand in hand.

We were in my house the other day
painting, and there is no heat, and there's my
Nonna pounding back JD from a water bottle.
She didn't even make a face.. my mom instantly
turns to me and says "well, that's where you
get it from." I miss the days where I would
funnel a 40 of whiskey and wake up on my
washing machine... but somehow be completely
coherent the whole night.

I hate peeling oranges..

Spoke too soon.
There is so much snow on the
ground right now.
Very exciting, but at the same time
I am not all that thrilled.
It'll be my first winter driving
all by myself.

Apparently the roads are ice
right now. Looks like I am
not driving anywhere this winter
unless 100% necessary.
That fucking car has had enough
shit already.

2 more months and I can
buy my magnum.
But I doubt I will take the chance
of driving it in the winter.
That car cost more than my
down payment on the house !

I never understood why
people bought expensive cars,
or expensive stuff in general.
But I figure, my car gives me so much
hassle because it's old. So I may as well
buy a new one with warranty and all.
Plus I am in my car more than
anything so may as well be nice.

Plus I never spend money
on anything, especially on myself.
I hate stuff. So this is one thing I can
justify spending that much money on.
... well and my house. But that was
smart. I need somewhere safe to
park my car.

Winter wonderland

It's been on & off snowing since Friday.
It's not staying though.
I hate our winters. It's always a wet winter.
The kind where you always get sick,
because it's slushy and nasty.

I miss living up north sometimes.
They have that dry cold.
It's always 40 below or more,
but it's dry, I never got sick up there.
& the snow hills were huge.
I could make forts & snow balls.

I have to wait for ever for
packing snow here.
Yes, I am a kid at heart.

We were at Boston pizza Friday,
me and Andrew went out
in his truck for a smoke.
It was raining when we ran
to his truck. All the sudden
HUGE snow flakes were coming
down. We got ridiculously giddy,
and excited for beer-bogganing this
year.

I've been waking up around 6am
the last few days, just to look out
the window in the morning and
see the frost on the window & my car.
I love the frozen drops of dew on the grass
in the morning. Everything shines.

I took Shady out for a walk this morning.
It was the first time shes seen snow.
She was pretty excited. I can't wait to
see her in an actual snow fall.

Marry Me, stay the same, lie to me & try to say you never will..

Serious pet peeve for marriage.
No one believes in it anymore.
Everyone is getting married & shortly after
they are getting divorced. Or just being
unfaithful.

I don't know why this requires a blog,
but maybe because every time
I turn around there's a new wedding
invitation or baby shower or divorce.

I just don't understand why people get married
anymore. It's not what it used to be.
Marriage is supposed to be when two people
love each other unconditionally.
They stand up in front of God & all their friends
and family and take a vow to love and Cherish
and be faithful to that person until the day they die.
I don't think people understand the real
concept of it anymore.
I don't believe most people even know
the real meaning of love anymore
to be honest.

That's why I find dating to be such a trivial and
annoying task. I have no interest in dating because
people aren't genuine. People lie & are unfaithful.
I'm not scared to get hurt.. I've become such
an asshole that I highly doubt it's possible to
hurt me emotionally anymore. I have never been
hurt by a relationship before. People just become
stupid and I give the old heave hoe & move on.

Not that I am actually against it,
what ever happens happens, but I am not
looking. But I have very little faith in a genuine
person coming my way. I have very little faith
in a genuine person even existing.

I know nobody is perfect,
& neither am I but I'd like to think I am a good
person. Even though I like to say I am an
asshole, I am a good person.
I contradict myself a lot & people take
me too seriously.

But really I don't lie, I don't hold back.
I don't steal, I don't cheat, I don't intentionally
hurt anyone. I give way too many chances.
I have morals & self respect coming out the ass.
I take in strays, my life goal is to have a animal
shelter.. Sure I sin, but I am not a bad person.

I drink like a fish,
smoke dope like I was Marley,
swear like a sailor,
tattoo & pierce like crazy.

But I am the most honest, loyal & reliable
person that my friends have ever met.
This is me going off in a little tangent as
usual but it all ties together in some way.

I just wish this world would get it's morals back.